Generic Radio Workshop Script Library

"Miracle on 34th Street"
Lux Radio Theater

 

KEIGHLEY:

The curtain rises on the third act of "Miracle on 34th Street," starring Maureen O'Hara as Doris, John Payne as Fred, and Edmund Gwenn as Kris.

 

For a few weeks, a jolly, elderly gentleman named Kris Kringle has been working minor miracles as Macy's Santa Claus. Now, his sanity has been seriously questioned - and in a crowded courtroom, Judge Harper listens patiently as the Assistant District Attorney summons Kris to the witness stand.


 

MARA:

Now, uh, this is not a trial, Mr. Kringle. It's just a hearing, so you don't have to answer any questions. Now then, uh, where do you live, please?

KRIS:

Well, it seems to me that's what this hearing will decide, won't it?

MARA:

Mr. Kringle -- do you believe that you are Santa Claus?

KRIS:

Of course I do.

MARA:

That's all, your Honor, the State rests its case.

JUDGE:

Well, Mr. Gailey?

FRED:

Your Honor, Mr. Mara contends my client is not sane because he believes he is Santa Claus.

MARA:

An entirely logical conclusion. Anyone who thinks he's Santa Claus is crazy.

FRED:

Your Honor, you believe yourself to be Judge Harper. Yet no one questions your sanity because you are Judge Harper, do they?

JUDGE:

Mr. Kringle is the subject of this sanity hearing, not I.

FRED:

Well, your Honor, I intend to prove the Mr. Kringle is Santa Claus.

JUDGE:

Mr. Mara, I thought you said this was a cut and dried sanity hearing.

MARA:

Well, I thought it was, your Honor.

JUDGE:

In view of Mr. Gailey's statement, I'll have to review the entire background of this case. Court's adjourned till tomorrow morning.


 

FRED:

Hello, Doris. I'm sorry I'm late but, get ready, we're really gonna celebrate tonight.

DORIS:

What are we celebrating?

FRED:

Well, didn't you read the papers? "Santa's Mouthpiece Throws Bombshell in New York Supreme Court!"

DORIS:

Oh, Fred, you're not really serious about this. You can't possibly prove that Kris Kringle is Santa Claus.

FRED:

Well, you saw Mr. Macy and Mr. Gimbel shake hands. That wasn't possible either.

DORIS:

What does your firm have to say about it -- Haislip and Mackenzie, and the rest of them?

FRED:

That I've, er, jeopardized their prestige, and either I drop this impossible case or they'll drop me.

DORIS:

You see?

FRED:

So I beat 'em to it. I quit.

DORIS:

Fred! You threw away a career because of a sentimental whim?

FRED:

Well, I'll open my own office.

DORIS:

And what kind of clients will you get?

FRED:

Oh -- probably a lot of people like Kris who are being pushed around. That's the only fun in law, anyway. Doris, look, don't you have any faith in me at all?

DORIS:

Oh, it's not a question of faith. It's - it's just common sense.

FRED:

But faith is believing in things when common sense tells you not to. It's not just Kris that's on trial. It's everything he stands for. Human kindness, and love, and dignity--

DORIS:

Oh, Fred, listen. We've seen a lot of each other the last couple of weeks. I-- Well, I've become fond of you. We've talked about some wonderful plans, haven't we? And then you do this -- go on an idealistic binge, throw away your security, and expect me to be happy about it.

FRED:

And I expect too much. Is that it? Well, that's that, I guess. Good night, Doris.


 

MARA:

Hello? ... Yes, this is Mr. Mara. ... Well, can't it wait till tomorrow? I'm eating din-- ... Who's been subpoenaed? ... (UPSET) Well, how do you think I feel about it? I'll see you tomorrow!

MRS. MARA:

Who was that, dear?

MARA:

R. H. Macy's been subpoenaed!

MRS. MARA:

Oh, my!

MARA:

Those reporters! They make me look like a sadistic monster who likes nothing better than to drown pussycats and tear wings off butterflies!

MRS. MARA:

Quiet, dear. Tommy's still awake.

MARA:

Oh. Oh, yeah.

MRS. MARA:

It'd - it'd just break his heart if he knew what his daddy is doing.

MARA:

I'm doing my job as assistant district attorney.

MRS. MARA:

Well, I'm not so sure but that I agree with them. Mr. Kringle looks like a very nice old man and I don't see why you have to keep persecuting him!

MARA:

I'm not persecuting him, I'm prosecuting him! I like the old man, too, but there's nothing I can do about it.

MRS. MARA:

You know something, Thomas? Sometimes I wish I'd married a butcher or a plumber!

MARA:

Well, if I lose this case, it's very possible you'll get your wish! ... R. H. Macy. I - I wonder what he's gonna pull tomorrow.


 

JUDGE:

Proceed with the witness, Mr. Gailey.

FRED:

Now then, Mr. Macy, if you recognize the defendant, please tell us who he is.

MACY:

Why, Kris Kringle, of course.

FRED:

Do you believe him to be of sound mind?

MACY:

Sound mind? I wish I had a dozen like him.

MARA:

Mr. Macy! You are under oath. Do you believe that man is Santa Claus?

MACY:

Well, now that's, uh, rather a delicate, uh--

GIMBEL:

Just think of those headlines tomorrow. "Macy Admits His Santa Claus is Fraud!"

MACY:

You keep out of this, Gimbel!

MARA:

What did you say?

MACY:

Nothing, Mr. Mara, nothing.

MARA:

Well, I wish you would. Is that man Santa Claus?

MACY:

Yes! In my opinion, he most certainly is!

MARA:

Your Honor! There is no such person as Santa Claus, and everybody knows it!

FRED:

Can you prove there isn't any?

MARA:

I won't even try. I'll not waste the court's time with such childish nonsense. Your Honor, the prosecution requests an immediate ruling from this court. Is there or is there not a Santa Claus?

JUDGE:

Well, now, uh-- I, uh-- The court will take a short recess to consider the question.


 

CHARLEY:

Hello, Henry.

JUDGE:

Why, Charley, what are you doing here?

CHARLEY:

Can't an old friend visit you in your chambers? And if you ask me, you never needed a friend like you do now.

JUDGE:

This Kringle case? Oh, I certainly don't see what they're making such a fuss about.

CHARLEY:

Henry, that's Santa Claus you've got out there. On trial for lunacy. This case is dynamite! And you're coming up for re-election soon.

JUDGE:

Charley, do you know what happened last night? Martha brought the grandchildren over. They - they wouldn't kiss Grandpa. ... They wouldn't even talk to me!

CHARLEY:

Ah, y'see what I mean? If you rule there is no Santa Claus, you'd better start looking for that chicken farm right now.

JUDGE:

I'm a responsible judge! How can I seriously rule that there is a Santa Claus?

CHARLEY:

Because of what happens if you don't! The kids read about it and they don't hang up their stockings. Now what happens to all the toys that are supposed to be in those stockings? Nobody buys them. The toy manufacturers have to lay off employees. By now, you've got the A.F. of L. and the C.I.O. against ya. ... Yes, and they're gonna say it with votes, see? Oh, and the department stores are gonna love you, too. Yes sir, Henry. And what about the Salvation Army? They got a Santa Claus on every street corner. They take in a lot of money to help the poor! But go ahead, Henry. You go in there and rule there isn't any Santa Claus. But if you do, you can count on getting just two votes! Your own and that district attorney's out there.

JUDGE:

One vote, Charley. He - he's a Republican. ... Oh, well, let's get this over with.


 

JUDGE:

The, uh, the question of Santa Claus seems to be, uh, largely a matter of opinion. The, uh, tradition of American justice demands a broad and unprejudiced view of such a controversial matter.

MARA:

But, your Honor!

JUDGE:

This court, therefore, intends to keep its mind open. We shall ask for evidence on either side.

MARA:

But the burden of proof clearly rests with my opponent. Can he produce any evidence to support his views?

FRED:

If your Honor, please, I can. Will Thomas Mara please take the stand?

MARA:

Who, me?

FRED:

No. Thomas Mara, Jr. I believe he and his mother are both in court today.

TOMMY:

Hi, papa!

MARA:

Hi. ...

FRED:

Tommy, do you believe in Santa Claus?

TOMMY:

I sure do! Gosh, he gave me a brand new sled last year.

FRED:

Now, uh, what does Santa Claus look like, Tommy?

TOMMY:

Well, there he is sitting right over there.

MARA:

Your Honor, I protest!

JUDGE:

Overruled!

FRED:

Tell me, Tommy, uh, why are you so sure there's a Santa Claus?

TOMMY:

Because my papa told me so! Didn't you, Pop?!

FRED:

Thank you, Tommy. You can go back to your mother now.

TOMMY:

See you later, papa!

MARA:

You certainly will. ... Your Honor--

TOMMY:

Don't forget, Santa Claus, this year I want a football helmet!

KRIS:

Don't worry, Tommy, you'll get it.

MARA:

Mr. Kringle, if you don't mind--

KRIS:

I'm sorry, sir.

MARA:

Your Honor, the State of New York concedes the existence of a Santa Claus. But, in so conceding, we demand that Mr. Gailey stop representing and presenting personal opinion as evidence. I insist he submit authority to prove that Mr. Kringle here is the one and only Santa Claus.

JUDGE:

Well, Mr. Gailey, are you prepared to show that Mr. Kringle is Santa Claus on the basis of unprejudiced authority?

FRED:

Well, sir. No, not now, I-- I need a little time.

MARA:

Why not now?

FRED:

Tomorrow, your Honor?

JUDGE:

Very well. Court's adjourned till tomorrow morning. Whew! Oh, brother.


 

DORIS:

Now, come, Susan, dear, finish your supper.

SUSAN:

But I can't, mother. All those things they're saying in the newspapers about Mr. Kringle and Mr. Gailey.

DORIS:

They're having this trial because he says he's Santa Claus.

SUSAN:

He's so-- He's so kind and nice and jolly. He's not like anyone else I know. He must be Santa.

DORIS:

You know something? I think perhaps you're right.

SUSAN:

Is Mr. Kringle sad now, Mother?

DORIS:

I'm afraid he must be.

SUSAN:

Then I'll write him a letter. Maybe that'll make him feel better. I'll cheer him up.


 

DORIS:

Oh, postman, postman?!

POSTMAN:

Yeah, lady?

DORIS:

Would you mind taking this letter?

POSTMAN:

Oh sure, lady. We're going straight down to the post office now. Okay, Louie, take it away!

 

Well, what do you know, Louie? Another letter for Santy Claus. Hey, here's a new one. Instead of the North Pole, this kid's got it addressed to "Kris Kringle, New York County Courthouse."

LOUIE:

Well, the kid's right.

POSTMAN:

Huh? Ohhh, yeah, sure, they got him on trial down there. He claims he's Santy Claus and the D.A. claims he's nuts. ... Hey.

LOUIE:

Hm?

POSTMAN:

Hey, I got an idea.

LOUIE:

Yeah?

POSTMAN:

How many Santy Claus letters we got down there in the dead letter office?

LOUIE:

Oh, who knows? Must be fifty thousand. Bags and bags all over the joint. Hey-- Er-- You mean--?!

POSTMAN:

Well, Louie, why not? Wouldn't it be nice to get rid of 'em all? Wouldn't it? ... Boy, oh boy! Look, Louie -- soon as we get to the post office, we go and see the supervisor! You know somethin'? I bet we both get promoted!

LOUIE:

(LAUGHS HEARTILY)


 

MARA:

And since the defense has been unable to submit one shred of proof that Kris Kringle is the one and only Santa Claus, and since tonight is Christmas Eve, I ask, your Honor, that this hearing be terminated without further delay.

FRED:

I protest! I do have evidence.

MARA:

Five minutes ago, you said you didn't.

FRED:

During Mr. Mara's oration, the bailiff handed my client the evidence I refer to.

JUDGE:

What evidence?

KRIS:

This letter, your Honor.

JUDGE:

Oh, yes, Mr. Kringle?

KRIS:

It's from Susan Walker. She believes in me! Oh, this letter means more to me than anything in the world.

FRED:

That letter, your Honor, was delivered by the United States Post Office -- an official agency of the federal government. The Post Office department is one of the largest business concerns in the world. Last year did a gross volume of over one billion dollars and this year--

MARA:

Your Honor, I'm sure we're all gratified that the Post Office is getting along so well. ... But what bearing has it on the sanity of that man?!

FRED:

My point is that the Post Office department is a model of efficiency. Furthermore, the laws of this country make it a criminal offense to willfully misdirect mail or intentionally deliver it to the wrong party.

MARA:

The State of New York is second to none in its admiration of the Post Office department. We're very happy to concede Mr. Gailey's--

FRED:

Uh, for the record, Mr. Mara?

MARA:

For the record. Anything to get on with this case.

FRED:

Thank you. Your Honor, that letter just received by Mr. Kringle is positive proof that a competent--

MARA:

One letter is hardly positive proof!

FRED:

I have further exhibits, your Honor, but I - I hesitate to produce them.

JUDGE:

Come, come, Mr. Gailey, put them here on my desk.

FRED:

But, your Honor--

JUDGE:

I said, put them on my desk!

FRED:

All right, boys! Bring 'em in!

MARA:

Your - Your Honor! What - what is this?

FRED:

Empty those mail sacks on Judge Harper's desk!

JUDGE:

Well, but, uh--

FRED:

Bring them all in or be fined for contempt of court!

JUDGE:

Now, now, just a second here!

POSTMAN:

Ah, we'll do it, your Honor. Through rain, through sleet, through courtrooms -- anything! We deliver!

JUDGE:

Mr. Gailey!

FRED:

Your Honor, every one of those letters in every one of those mail sacks is addressed to Santa Claus. The Post Office delivered them. Therefore, the Post Office department recognizes Kris Kringle to be the one and only Santa Claus.

JUDGE:

Since the United States Government declares this man to be Santa Claus, this court will not dispute it! Case dismissed!

JUDGE:

And, for heaven's sake, get this mail out of my courtroom!


 

KRIS:

So as soon as I got out of court, I came straight to Macy's to see you, Doris.

DORIS:

Oh, Kris, I'm so glad you won.

KRIS:

Well, we're having a big Christmas party at the Brooks Home tomorrow morning. I'd like so much to see you and Susan there.

DORIS:

We'll be there, Kris. Oh, Kris, couldn't you - couldn't you come home now and have dinner with us?

KRIS:

Now? Tonight? Me? My goodness, Doris, it's - it's Christmas Eve.


 

KRIS:

Alfred, Alfred, look! Look who came all the way out here to the home, just for our Christmas party!

ALFRED:

Kris, it's - it's Mr. Macy!

KRIS:

Mr. Gimbel, too. Oh, excuse me, Alfred, Mrs. Walker and Susan have to leave now, and I want to see them before they go. So forgive me, will you?

DORIS:

But, Susie darling, you got so many presents.

SUSAN:

Not the one I wanted. Not the one Mr. Kringle was gonna get for me!

DORIS:

Well, what was it?

SUSAN:

It doesn't matter. I knew I wouldn't get it. But I thought he'd at least tell me why.

KRIS:

Susie? I'm sorry, Susie. I tried my best, but--

SUSAN:

You couldn't get it because you're not Santa Claus.

DORIS:

Susan!

SUSAN:

Just a nice old man, like mother said.

DORIS:

But I was wrong when I told you that. You must believe in Mr. Kringle, and keep right on doing it. You must have faith in him.

SUSAN:

But that doesn't make sense, mother!

DORIS:

Faith is believing in things when common sense tells you not to.

SUSAN:

What?!

DORIS:

I mean, just because things don't turn out the way you want them to the first time, you've still got to believe in people. I found that out--

FRED:

Hello, Doris.

DORIS:

Fred!

SUSAN:

Mr. Gailey! Mr. Gailey!

FRED:

Merry Christmas, Susie.

SUSAN:

Gosh, you just get here and we're ready to leave.

FRED:

Oh, I've been here.

SUSAN:

Oh.

FRED:

And if you're ready to leave, I'll drive you home.

KRIS:

Before you go-- Here.

KRIS:

Here's a map I've made for you. You'll miss a lot of traffic. About four miles south, you will see Ashley Avenue. Now that's the street you want. Ashley Avenue.

FRED:

Thanks, Kris. And Merry Christmas.

KRIS:

Merry Christmas to you, Fred. And to you, my dear. And to you, Susan.

SUSAN:

I believe, Mr. Kringle. I do. It's silly, I suppose. But I do.


 

DORIS:

I don't understand it, Fred. The map Kris gave definitely says Ashley Avenue. We've been on Ashley Avenue now for--

SUSAN:

Stop the car! Oh, stop the car, please!

DORIS:

Susie, what is it, darling? What's the matter?

SUSAN:

There it is! The house! The house!

FRED:

Susie!

DORIS:

What in the world?

FRED:

She's running into that house.

DORIS:

Well, at least there's no one home. It's brand new, it's just been built.

FRED:

Yeah. "For sale," it says. For sale.

DORIS:

What on earth is that child up to?


 

FRED:

Susie! Hey, Susie!

SUSAN:

Here I am! Upstairs!

Now, come right down! You know you shouldn't run around in other people's houses! That's strange.

FRED:

I'll say.

DORIS:

No, no, I mean this house. I've seen this house somewhere, I know I have. Maybe in a magazine or--

SUSAN:

Mother! It's our house! It's the one I asked him for - Mr. Kringle.

DORIS:

Mr. Kringle?

SUSAN:

I know it is! Oh, you were right, Mommy, you were right!

FRED:

Susie?

SUSAN:

Mommy told me that if things didn't turn out just the way you wanted them at first, you've still gotta believe. And I kept believing! And you were right, Mommy. (MOVING OFF) Mr. Kringle is Santa Claus!

DORIS:

Now where are you going?

SUSAN:

In back, to see if there's a swing!There is one, oh, there is one!

FRED:

You told her that? About believing?

DORIS:

Well-- You told me, Fred.

FRED:

The sign outside -- "for sale," huh? Well, we can't let her down, can we?

DORIS:

I never really doubted you. It was just my silly common sense.

FRED:

Even makes sense to believe in me, now. I must be a pretty good lawyer. I take a little old man and legally prove to the world that he's Santa Claus. Now, you know that couldn't be--

DORIS:

Fred!

FRED:

What's the matter?

DORIS:

There. In the corner. By the fireplace.

FRED:

Oh, no. No.

DORIS:

It - it can't be. It - it couldn't--

FRED:

A cane. Kris' cane. There couldn't be two canes like this anywhere in the world.

DORIS:

Silver handle and all.

FRED:

Hey, you know something? Maybe I didn't do such a wonderful thing after all.