CHAPTER 3

Hugo was terrified. He cowered in the farthest corner of his backyard, all the way behind the swing set, past the old, rusty mini-trampoline that no one used anymore, at the very edge of the wooden fence. He had one goal: to be as far away from the house as dogly possible. Hugo loved the house, of course, and especially loved what was inside—his toys, his food, his special blanket—but he couldn’t go in. Not today. Not now. Not when the thing was in there.

He shuddered. Just the thought of the thing sent a chill down his spine.

It was a very hot day, and Hugo panted to keep cool, but still, there was no way he would enter his air-conditioned home while the thing was roaming from room to room, wreaking havoc and making that wretched sound. No room was safe. And nothing, not even the sound of his favorite squeaky plastic doughnut, could make Hugo go in there while the thing was doing its . . . thing.

His eyes narrowed as he stared at the house from a safe distance.

It had been a full day since they’d seen Napoleon at the dog park, and once again, Hugo’s family had been too busy to take him for a walk. In fact, they had barely noticed him this morning, between shouting about who had forgotten to do their chores, and tearing apart the hall closet searching for a lost soccer shin guard. Hugo had remembered it was under the couch, but other than one quick pat on the head, nobody had even thanked him. And the thought of walking him seemingly hadn’t even crossed anyone’s mind.

Then, before everybody left, Dad had done the unthinkable: set the thing loose inside the house.

Hugo sighed heavily and lay down in the grass.

What a terrible day, he thought.

He wouldn’t have had to deal with this if he’d just gone to Good Dogs, like usual. But Good Dogs was closed for the day while Erin took Cleo to compete in the agility contest.

Hugo rolled onto his side and let his tongue flop out of his mouth. He considered playing with some of the old toys in the yard, but he’d chewed through most of them a long time ago, and plus, they were always more fun with a person on the other end.

I guess I’ll just roll from one side to the other, and occasionally stand and bark, until everyone comes home, he thought. Yes, that seems like a good plan.

Just then he heard a tiny sound in the distance, like a little high-pitched trumpet. His ears perked up. The tiny trumpet was saying, “Hugo!” It was Lulu! She was shouting at him from the other side of their shared fence.

Hugo loved living next door to Lulu. It was nice having someone to bark with on days like this.

“Come to the gate!” Lulu shouted.

Hugo went the long way over to the gate, staying far away from the house. “Lulu! What are you doing home?” he asked. When Lulu wasn’t at Good Dogs, she was usually with her owner, Jasmine. She went everywhere with Jasmine. She was very lucky to be exactly purse-sized, Hugo thought.

“It’s simply awful,” Lulu said, dramatically covering her face with her paw. “Jasmine got a callback.”

“I get called back all the time!” said Hugo. “I go outside and then I get called back in because it’s time to eat!”

“Not that kind of callback,” Lulu explained. “Jasmine auditioned for an acting job, and a callback means they liked her so much, they want to see her again!”

“Oh! So it’s like when I go and get the ball, and I do such a good job that I get called back and they throw it again. I see. That sounds like a good thing!”

“Oh, Hugo, don’t be so naive!” Lulu lamented. “If she gets the part, it means she’s never going to have time for me ever again!”

Hugo thought Lulu was being a bit overly dramatic, but then he remembered that his family had very little time for him these days. Maybe Lulu was right to be nervous.

“This morning, Jasmine even forgot to put me in an outfit,” she continued, getting more upset. “Now I look like . . . a DOG! I can hardly bear it.”

Hugo blinked, confused. “Lulu,” he replied carefully. “Don’t take this wrong way, but you are a dog.”

Lulu ignored him and kept talking, this time more to herself. “I just always thought that I was Jasmine’s BFF. Her Best Furry Friend. But I guess acting comes first.” She stared off into the distance, and a look of despair flashed across her carefully groomed face. But with one big sigh, the expression vanished, and for the moment, Lulu was back to her regular self.

“Anyway,” she said, looking down at her manicured nails. “What are you doing outside? It’s so hot, it’s practically boiling! Doesn’t your house have air-conditioning?”

Hugo explained that he couldn’t be inside because the thing was in there, causing chaos. He tried to keep his cool. He could easily get riled up talking about the thing, and he didn’t want his friend to see just how upset he was.

But Lulu was absolutely furious on his behalf! She let out a very displeased bark. “How dare they!” she huffed. “When they knew you’d be home all day, no less. Sometimes owners have no sense. They’re treating us like we’re dogs.”

“But we are dogs,” Hugo reminded her again.

“But we’re supposed to be family!” Lulu squeaked.

“It’s okay,” Hugo insisted. “Luckily, I left a lot of fur on the rug—”

“Shedding season.”

“Tell me about it. So anyway, the thing was distracted enough that I was able to escape through the doggy door.”

“Hmm?” Lulu replied. “Oh, you mean the ME door.”

“Sure,” Hugo said. “Anyways, I’ll just stay out here in the corner of the yard all day. Maybe at some point I’ll move over to the other corner. It’s fine.”

“No!” shouted Lulu. “I will not stand for this! It is a grave injustice, which I’m pretty sure means it’s not fair! If Jasmine ever got a thing, I would do just about anything to make her get rid of it. I would pee right in her favorite purse, Hashtag NoRegrets.”

Hugo was beginning to feel upset. He didn’t like talking about the thing. “Lulu,” he pleaded with her. “Please. I really don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

“Okay,” she agreed. “I’m sorry, Hugo. But listen . . .” Lulu got closer to Hugo and started talking very quietly, forcing Hugo to lean his head right up to the fence and listen very carefully. “I have a plan to get us outta here,” she said slyly. “I know how to get the gates open so we can escape and go for a walk.”

Hugo whined. This did not sound like a good plan. It sounded dangerous. “But Lulu,” he exclaimed. “We’re good dogs!”

“And what good has that ever done us?! Our owners don’t even appreciate us. Mine left me outside, completely nude. And yours let that thing take over the house. Your house!”

Lulu was staring at him with an intensity he’d never seen in her before. And there was a look on her face he couldn’t place. It almost looked . . . naughty. There was a moment of silence between them, but it didn’t last—suddenly, they heard the thing whirring and howling from the living room, startling them both. Hugo buried his face in his paws with a scared whimper.

“Look,” said Lulu, calming down slightly. “We’ll just walk around until the thing is done.”

“It’s never done,” said Hugo, and he felt the fur on his back stand up. “It never gets tired, or stops being hungry. That’s what makes it so terrifying!”

Lulu looked Hugo dead in the eyes. “All the more reason to get out of here,” she said. “Just for a bit.”

Hugo groaned. He had a bad feeling. But then he nodded. Getting away from the thing might make him feel better. Plus, he was trying to be more fun. Maybe getting out of his comfort zone would help him loosen up a bit. “Okay. But just for a little while.”

Lulu wagged her tail and pushed an old broomstick under the fence. “Just pick it up with your mouth and use it to push that latch on the gate,” she instructed.

Hugo was very coordinated—he could even turn a doorknob with his mouth—so he was easily able to maneuver the broom and get the latch open. He nosed open his gate, walked over to Lulu’s gate, and slid the broomstick back under the fence to her.

Lulu opened her gate and strolled regally out of her yard, her head and tail held high, then started trotting across Hugo’s front yard and down the street, in the direction of Erin’s house. Hugo ran to catch up with her.

“Where are you going?” he asked. “Good Dogs is closed today.”

“We’re going to check in on King, obvi!” she replied, tossing her head back. “After the stunt he pulled yesterday, I bet he’s home alone too.”

Hugo’s nerves were at an all-time high as they made their way around the corner to Erin’s. What if they ran into someone they knew? What if Dad was at work and realized he needed more papers to put inside his briefcase, so he went back home and realized Hugo wasn’t there? Humans were always forgetting their papers! Hugo continued to worry about all the many, many ways he could get caught until they were standing below the side window of Erin’s house.

Hugo helped Lulu climb onto an air-conditioning unit and then hopped up to join her. The window was open, and the only thing separating them from the inside of Erin’s house was the screen. They peered into the laundry room and saw King sitting on the floor. He had a big plastic cone around his neck, and he looked so sad—sadder than Hugo had ever seen his friend. Lulu tapped the window screen with her paw and called out, “King! Hey, King!”

King turned toward the window and perked up slightly when he saw them. “Oh, hey!” he said. “What’re you two doing here?”

“We’re here to see you, silly!” shouted Lulu.

“How’s your paw?” asked Hugo.

“It’s just a cut,” explained King, glancing down at his paw and looking sad again. “The vet put some sting-y stuff on it to keep it clean, and then put this cone around my neck so I can’t lick it. Now I’m stuck here while Cleo gets to have a good time at the agility contest, and I can’t even do anything fun like bite my own butt.”

“That sounds like a bummer, King,” said Hugo.

“It sure is,” replied King. “I also can’t exercise for a whole week!”

“That really stinks,” Hugo said, trying to comfort King, who was looking more depressed by the second.

King nodded sadly. “But not in the good way, like grass with pee on it.”

“Yeah. But you’ll be good as new before you know it!” Hugo said with a smile. “One time, Enrique fell off his bike and broke his arm, and was in a cast for weeks. But I took good care of him, and he was back to riding his bike and playing soccer in no time! He didn’t ask me to sign his cast, but that’s okay, I’m not even holding a grudge. I mean, I had been practicing my signature—a muddy paw print—but again, I’m not holding a grudge.”

“It sounds like you are,” said Lulu.

“Nope, no grudge here,” insisted Hugo.

“It really does sound like it, though.”

“Enough!” squeaked King. “Hugo, that’s a nice story, but I don’t deserve to have anyone take care of me. Not now. Not ever. It’s probably for the best that I’m locked up in the laundry room with a big cone around my neck. It’ll keep me from ever being a bad dog again.”

“You’re not a ba—” Hugo began, but King cut him off.

“I am,” he shouted. “I’m a bad dog! I’m a very, very bad dog who did a very, very bad thing. Cleo made that super clear last night. I bet as soon as she and Erin get back from the contest, they’ll return me to the shelter.”

Hugo’s ears hung low with sympathy. He had never spent any time in a dog shelter, so he didn’t know what they were like, but he was certain that once you got to a home, you wouldn’t want to go back.

Poor pup, he thought. He seems really upset.

Lulu had far less sympathy. “Stop being such a drama queen,” she snapped. “Or a drama King!”

“I’m neither,” King moaned. “I just really pooped on it this time, and now Erin will be mad at me forever! Even though all I want in my life is to show her how much I love her! She’s the best human in the world! She’s perfect! She’s incredible! And have you smelled her?! Oh my dog! There’s no one better than Erin! Oh, Erin, what have I done!”

King started howling, and Hugo looked around nervously, certain they were about to get caught.

“Okay, kid, you need to calm down,” said Lulu. “We get it, Erin is great! But it’s time to cheer up, because we’re here to spring you! If you come with us, we can take the cone off and everything! A cone is not fashion, no matter how hard you try to make it fashion. Trust me, I know from experience.”

King just turned his back to them, lay down on the floor, and sighed heavily.

“How about we go to the park?” Lulu tried, but King didn’t budge. He just looked even more upset.

Hugo turned to Lulu. “He doesn’t want to come. It’s probably too hard to revisit the place where it all happened. Maybe this is a good opportunity to go back home. No harm, no foul. We’ve had a nice walk.”

“Don’t give up so fast. I have an idea,” Lulu whispered in Hugo’s ear. Then she turned back to the window. “Hey, King! If we go to the park, maybe we could find Erin’s scarf! How could she possibly be mad at you if you brought her scarf back?”

King’s tail started wagging. When he turned around, his eyes were big and excited. “Genius!” he yelped, and he started running around in little circles. He clearly liked this idea a lot. He looked pretty silly running around with the cone on his head, and Hugo started laughing. Lulu, meanwhile, lifted the window screen with one of her carefully manicured, sparkly nail-arted paws and King was suddenly free. He leapt across the room and climbed onto a hamper, and with one big jump he was out the window.

Welp, thought Hugo, there’s no going back now. He thought of the dog in a movie he’d watched with his family the week before—she got separated from her owners and spent years wandering through the wilderness, making friends with wild animals, always trying to find her owners. That’s us now, Hugo mused. No home, no responsibilities—we’re all on the lam.

Then he chuckled quietly, imagining himself sitting on a lamb—so funny—as he hopped off the air conditioner and they made their way toward the park, no leashes in sight.