Father Sergy
by Leo Tolstoy
(narrated by George Guidall)

[Part 1]

I

In Petersburg in the eighteen-forties a surprising event occurred. An officer of the cuirassier guards, a handsome prince who everyone predicted would become aide-de-camp to the Emperor Nikolay I and have a brilliant career, left the service, broke off his engagement to a beautiful maid of honour, a favourite of the Empress’s, gave his small estate to his sister, and retired to a monastery to become a monk. This event appeared extraordinary and inexplicable to those who did not know his inner motives, but for Prince Stepan Kasatsky himself it all occurred so naturally that he could not imagine how he could have acted otherwise.

His father, a retired colonel of the guards, had died when Stepan was twelve, and sorry as his mother was to part from her son, she entered him at the military academy as her deceased husband had intended. The widow herself, with her daughter Varvara, moved to Petersburg to be near her son and have him with her for the holidays.

The boy was distinguished both by his brilliant ability and by his immense self-esteem, the result of which was that he was first both in his studies, especially in mathematics, of which he was particularly fond, and also in drill and riding. Though of more than average height, he was handsome and agile, and he would have been an altogether exemplary cadet had it not been for his quick temper. He was remarkably truthful, and was neither dissipated nor addicted to drink. The only faults that marred his conduct were fits of fury to which he was subject and during which he lost control of himself and became like a wild animal. He once nearly threw out of the window another cadet who had begun to tease him about his collection of minerals. On another occasion he came almost completely to grief by flinging a whole dish of cutlets at an officer who was acting as steward, attacking him and, it was said, striking him for having broken his word and told a barefaced lie. He would certainly have been reduced to the ranks had not the director of the academy hushed up the whole matter and dismissed the steward.

By the time he was eighteen he had received a commission as lieutenant in an aristocratic regiment of the guards.

The Emperor Nikolay Pavlovich (Nikolay I) had noticed him while he was still at the academy, and continued to take notice of him in the regiment, and it was on this account that people predicted for him an appointment as aide-de-camp to the Emperor. Kasatsky himself strongly desired this, not from ambition only but chiefly because since his cadet days he had been passionately devoted to Nikolay Pavlovich. The Emperor had often visited the military academy and every time Kasatsky saw that tall erect figure, with breast expanded in its military overcoat, entering with brisk step, every time he saw the cropped side-whiskers, the moustache, the aquiline nose and heard the sonorous voice exchanging greetings with the cadets, he was seized by the same rapture that he experienced later on when he met the woman he loved. Indeed, his passionate adoration of the Emperor was even stronger: he wished to sacrifice something, everything, even himself, to prove his complete devotion. And the Emperor Nikolay was conscious of evoking this rapture and deliberately aroused it. He played with the cadets, surrounded himself with them, treating them sometimes with childish simplicity, sometimes as a friend, and then again with majestic solemnity. After that affair with the officer, Nikolay Pavlovich said nothing to Kasatsky, but when the latter approached he waved him away theatrically, frowned, shook his finger at him, and afterwards when leaving, said: ‘Remember that I know everything. There are some things I would rather not know, but they remain here,’ and he pointed to his heart.

When the cadets were received by the Emperor on leaving the academy, he did not again refer to Kasatsky’s offence, but told them all, as was his custom, that when necessary they might approach him directly, that they should serve him and the fatherland loyally, and that he would always be their best friend. All the cadets were as usual greatly moved, and Kasatsky even shed tears, remembering the past, and vowed that he would serve his beloved Tsar with all his soul.

When Kasatsky took up his commission his mother moved with her daughter first to Moscow and then to their country estate. Kasatsky gave half his property to his sister and kept only enough to maintain himself in the luxurious regiment he had joined.

To all appearance he was just an ordinary, brilliant young officer of the guards making a career for himself, but intense and complex strivings went on within him. From early childhood his efforts had seemed to be very varied, but essentially they were all one and the same. He tried in everything he took up to attain such success and perfection as would evoke people’s praise and astonishment. Whether it was his studies or his military exercises, he took them up and worked at them till he was praised and held up as an example to others. Having mastered one thing he took up another. Thus he obtained first place in his studies, thus he achieved top honours in all his subjects, thus while still at the academy he noticed in himself an awkwardness in French conversation and contrived to master French till he spoke it as well as Russian, and thus when he later took up chess, also while still at the academy, he became an excellent player.

Apart from his main vocation in life, which was his service of the Tsar and fatherland, he always set himself some particular goal, and however unimportant it was, devoted himself completely to it and lived for it until it was accomplished. And as soon as it was attained another goal would immediately present itself, replacing its predecessor. This passion for distinguishing himself, or for accomplishing something in order to distinguish himself, filled his life. On taking up his commission he set himself to acquire the utmost perfection in knowledge of the service, and very soon became a model officer, though still with the same fault of ungovernable irascibility, which here in the service again led him to commit actions harmful to his success. Later, having once in conversation in society felt himself deficient in general education, he took to reading and again achieved his purpose. Later, wishing to secure a brilliant position in high society, he learnt to dance excellently and very soon was invited to all the balls in the best circles and to some of their evening gatherings. But this did not satisfy him. He was accustomed to being first, and in this society he was far from being so.

The highest society then consisted, and I think always and everywhere does consist, of four sorts of people: (1) rich people who are received at court, (2) people not wealthy but born and brought up in court circles, (3) rich people who ingratiate themselves into the court set, and (4) people neither rich nor belonging to the court but who ingratiate themselves into the first and second sets. Kasatsky did not belong to the first two sets, but was readily welcomed in the others. Even on entering society he set for himself the goal of having a relationship with some society lady and to his own surprise quickly accomplished this purpose. He soon realized, however, that the circles in which he moved were not the highest, and that though he was received in the highest spheres he did not belong to them. They were polite to him, but showed by their whole manner that they had their own set and that he was not of it. And Kasatsky wished to belong to that inner circle. To attain that end it would be necessary to be an aide-de-camp to the Emperor, which he expected to become, or to marry into that exclusive set, which he resolved to do. And his choice fell on a beauty belonging to the court, who not merely belonged to the circle into which he wished to be accepted, but whose friendship was coveted by the very highest people and those most firmly established in that highest circle. This was Countess Korotkova. Kasatsky began to pay court to her, and not merely for the sake of his career. She was extremely attractive and he soon fell in love with her. At first she was noticeably cool towards him, but then suddenly changed and became gracious, and her mother gave him pressing invitations to visit them. Kasatsky proposed and was accepted. He was surprised at the facility with which he attained such happiness. But though he noticed something strange and unusual in the behaviour towards him of both mother and daughter, he was blinded by being so deeply in love and did not realize what almost the whole town knew, namely, that his fiancée had been Nikolay Pavlovich’s mistress the previous year.

 

 

II

Two weeks before the day arranged for the wedding, Kasatsky was at Tsarskoe Selo* at his fiancée’s country place. It was a hot day in May. He and his betrothed had walked about the garden and were sitting on a bench in a shady linden alley. Mary’s* white muslin dress suited her particularly well. She seemed the personification of innocence and love. She sat, now bending her head, now gazing up at the very tall and handsome man who was speaking to her with particular tenderness and self-restraint, as if he feared by his every word or gesture to offend or sully her angelic purity. Kasatsky belonged to those men of the eighteen-forties, now no longer to be found, who while deliberately and without any conscientious scruples condoning impurity in themselves, required ideal and angelic purity in their women, regarded all unmarried women of their circle as possessed of such purity, and treated them accordingly. There was much that was false and harmful in this outlook, as concerning the laxity the men permitted themselves, but in regard to the women that old-fashioned view, which sharply differed from that held by young people today who see in every girl merely a female seeking a mate, was, I think, of value. The girls, perceiving such adoration, endeavoured with more or less success to be goddesses. Such was the view Kasatsky held of women, and that was how he regarded his fiancée. He was particularly in love that day, but did not experience any sensual desire for her. On the contrary he regarded her with tender adoration as something unattainable.

He rose to his full height, standing before her with both hands on his sabre.

‘I have only now realized what happiness a man can experience! And it is you, my darling, who have given me this happiness,’ he said with a timid smile.

Endearments had not yet become usual between them, and morally looking up to her from below he felt terrified at this stage to use them to such an angel.

‘It is thanks to you that I have come to know myself. I have learnt that I am better than I thought.’

‘I have known that for a long time. That was why I began to love you.’

Nightingales trilled near by and the fresh leafage rustled, moved by a passing breeze.

He took her hand and kissed it, and tears came into his eyes. She understood that he was thanking her for having said she loved him. He took a few steps, remained silent for a moment, then approached her and sat down.

‘You know, my darling, I have to tell you. I was not disinterested when I began to court you. I wanted to get into society, but then how unimportant that became in comparison with you, when I got to know you. You are not angry with me for that?’

She did not reply but merely touched his hand. He understood that this meant: ‘No, I am not angry.’

‘You said …’ He hesitated, for it seemed too bold to say. ‘You said that you began to love me yet forgive me, I believe you, but there is something that troubles you and checks your feeling. What is it?’

‘Yes—now or never!’ she thought. ‘He is bound to know of it anyway. But now he will not forsake me. Ah, if he should, it would be terrible!’ And she threw a loving glance at his tall, noble, powerful figure. She loved him now more than she had loved Nikolay, and if it were not for the imperial dignity would not have preferred the Emperor to him.

‘Listen! I cannot deceive you. I have to tell you. You ask what it is? It is that I have loved before.’

She again laid her hand on his with an imploring gesture. He was silent.

‘You want to know who it was? It was him, the Emperor.’

‘We all love him. I can imagine you, a schoolgirl at the Institute …’*

‘No, it was later. I was infatuated, but it passed. But I must tell you …’

‘Well, what then?’

‘No, I was not simply,’ She covered her face with her hands.

‘What? You gave yourself to him?’

She was silent.

‘His mistress?’

She was silent.

He sprang up and stood before her with trembling jaws, pale as death. He now remembered how Nikolay Pavlovich, meeting him on the Nevsky,* had amiably congratulated him.

‘O God, what have I done! Stiva!’

‘Don’t touch me! Don’t touch me! Oh, how painful it is!’

He turned away and went to the house. There he met her mother.

‘What is the matter, Prince? I …’ She became silent on seeing his face. The blood had suddenly rushed to his head.

‘You knew it and used me to shield them! If you weren’t a woman,’ he cried, lifting his enormous fist, and turning aside he ran away.

Had his fiancée’s lover been a private person he would have killed him, but it was his beloved Tsar.

The next day he applied both for furlough and his discharge, and professing to be ill, so as to see no one, he went away to the country.

He spent the summer at his village arranging his affairs. When summer was over he did not return to Petersburg, but entered a monastery and there became a monk.

His mother wrote to try to dissuade him from this decisive step, but he replied that he felt God’s call which transcended all other considerations. Only his sister, who was as proud and ambitious as he, understood him.

She understood that he had become a monk in order to be above those who considered themselves to be above him. And she understood him correctly. By becoming a monk he showed contempt for all that seemed most important to others and had seemed so to him while he was in the service, and he now ascended a height from which he could look down from above on those he had formerly envied. But it was not this alone, as his sister Varvara supposed, that guided him. There was also in him something else that guided him, a sincere religious feeling that Varvara did not know, which intertwined itself with the feeling of pride and the desire to be first. His disillusionment with his fiancée Mary, whom he had considered such an angel, and his sense of injury were so strong that they brought him to despair, and the despair led him—to what? To God, to his childhood faith which had never been destroyed in him.