It was a clear night and the sky seemed impossibly full of stars. We sat on a rug, huddled under blankets we’d brought from the hut, hugging our knees to keep warm, and looked up at them.
‘I remember Grandpa bringing me stargazing out here when I was a little kid,’ I said. ‘I couldn’t believe how many there were. In London, you can’t see the stars properly because of all the artificial light.’ I remembered the excitement of that night, my too-big coat with the hot-water bottle inside it, my gloved hand holding Grandpa’s, the thrill of being allowed out long after my bedtime.
Jonas lay back on the blanket and looked up.
‘It makes you feel a bit dizzy, doesn’t it?’
I nodded. ‘I remember Grandpa telling me that when you see a star, the light is millions of years old – the memory of a star rather than a star. And how if someone was looking at Earth from one of those stars, they’d see history. Like time travel. I couldn’t get my head round it. I still can’t.’
I lay back too. I could feel the warmth of Jonas next to me, and a kind of buzz where our hands were almost touching. I wondered if he could feel it too.
‘I saw this picture of space where the stars all looked like confetti,’ Jonas said. ‘Hundreds and thousands of them in the dark. But it turned out they weren’t stars, they were galaxies. Each speck of light was a whole galaxy.’
I turned my head and looked at him in the dark. ‘I can’t work out if that’s amazing or terrifying.’
‘Both,’ he said.
‘We’re so small. It makes me feel like maybe we don’t matter at all.’
He propped himself up on his elbow and looked at me. ‘Maybe it makes us matter more,’ he said. ‘I mean, you’re the only you and I’m the only me in all those billions of galaxies. The chances of us existing and being right here right now are so small. But here we are.’
Here we are. He looked at me, and it was as if I could feel us spinning through time and space, nothing holding us up, the sky beneath us as well as above us, just miles and miles and years and years of space all around us in all directions, and us hurtling through it. It felt extraordinary and terrifying. Without thinking, I reached out and held Jonas’s hand as if it was all I had to keep me anchored, the only thing I could be sure of.
‘I can’t stay here, Jonas,’ I said. I hadn’t meant to say it, but it was true and I was going to have to say it sometime.
He stared at me. ‘Why not?’
‘Living in the hut, it was only ever meant to be a short-term thing. Till it was safe to go back to Grandpa’s. But it’s not safe. It might never be. It’s putting you and Shaun and Grandpa at risk. You know I’m right. I’ve got to go.’
‘Go where?’
I took a deep breath and made myself speak.
‘I have a box of my mum’s old stuff. It was in the house. I’ve had it for ages but I kept putting off looking at what was inside it. Anyway, in the end I did look. I wanted to find out more about her. And I found her address, Jonas. She’s in Scotland.’
Jonas looked at me. ‘You want to go to Scotland?’
‘It’s not a case of what I want, is it? Scotland would be safe.’
‘If you can get there, maybe,’ he said. ‘But they’ve closed the border. If you get caught this side of the border you’ll be detained. And even if you get across you could end up stuck in one of the refugee camps on the border.’
‘But it’s dangerous here. You know that. Loads of people have gone to Scotland since all this started. And my mum’s there.’
He looked at me. ‘Maybe you should go, if that’s what you want to do. I’m sure Shaun could help you get there. He knows the right people to get you across the border.’
I felt stung at how ‘okay’ with it he sounded. I didn’t want him to stop me but I thought he’d at least sound upset about the idea of me leaving.
‘Fine,’ I said. ‘I’ll go to the house and talk to Shaun about it tomorrow.’
‘Okay. But be careful.’
He wasn’t looking at me.
‘It’s late,’ I said. ‘We’d better be getting back.’
We walked back in silence through the dark of the forest.
‘Okay then,’ I said when we reached the hut. ‘Bye.’ I felt like I was going to cry. This was an ending, I knew it. It was really going to happen. I would leave and I probably wouldn’t see Jonas again. I didn’t want to mind as much as I did. Especially as he didn’t seem to care. I turned away to go inside.
‘Wait,’ Jonas said.
‘What?’
‘I don’t want you to go,’ he said at last. ‘I want you to stay.’
Despite everything, I felt a rush of happiness. He stepped towards me and our breath puffed out into the dark and mingled.
‘But more than that I want you to be safe,’ he said. ‘So obviously I’m not going to try and stop you. More than anything I want you to be okay.’
‘You could come too.’ The words were out before I’d even thought them. I felt my face grow hot even in the cold night air. Why had I said it?
He was silent.
‘Jonas?’ I said at last. ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to say that. I mean, obviously. This is your home. But you could come and visit, maybe when everything’s more normal.’
I was gabbling.
‘Maybe…’ he said. ‘Maybe I could come with you.’
‘Really?’
‘If you wanted me to.’
‘I do,’ I said.
He smiled.
I smiled back at him, feeling suddenly shy.
‘I’ll come back tomorrow,’ he said. ‘We’ll talk about it once you’ve spoken to Shaun.’
‘Okay.’
We stood a moment longer.
‘I’d better go,’ he said. ‘I can’t risk anyone noticing I’m gone.’
‘I know.’
‘Tomorrow,’ he said, and then turned and walked off into the woods.
The next morning, I went talk to Shaun about my plan. I knew going to the house was risky, but we’d be careful. It was cold and clear, the shadows dusted white. Our toes tingled in our boots. Billie picked leaves, crisp and white-veined with frost. I smiled and thought about Jonas.
We walked cautiously through the back garden, Billie trailing behind. I looked up to see if anyone was in the kitchen.
The warning red rose plant was in the window.
I darted back.
‘Quick, B. Hide,’ I hissed.
There had been someone in the kitchen, I thought, but I wasn’t sure. It had just been a silhouette. Could it have been Shaun? If it wasn’t, would they have seen me?
We ran back through the trees, stumbling over tree roots, gasping for breath.
‘What’s happening?’ Billie said. ‘Is someone coming?’
‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘We just need to get back to the hut as fast as we can. We’ll be safe there. We just have to wait for Shaun or Jonas to come and tell us what’s going on. Then we can make a plan. It’ll be okay.’
But what if they didn’t come? What if they couldn’t?
‘Let’s hurry, B.’
We half-ran, then walked when our legs grew too tired, through the trees, hand in hand. As we drew close to the hut we slowed, panting, relieved—
I stopped dead.
The door to the hut was open.
I’d definitely shut it when we left.
‘Wait here,’ I whispered to Billie. ‘Behind this tree. Don’t come out till I tell you it’s safe. And stay completely quiet. Okay?’ She nodded, putting a finger to her lips.
I crept slowly closer through the trees, watching, listening. There was no sign of anyone, no footsteps or voices, so maybe they’d gone, or maybe they were inside the hut. Maybe it was Shaun, come to tell me what was happening, and he’d just taken the path rather than going the long way.
I took cover behind a tree on the edge of the clearing, watching the hut. Should I risk going inside? Or should I wait and see if anything happened?
And then there was a bark from inside and out of the door bounded Skadi.
Relief washed over me as she ran towards me. It was Jonas. I hadn’t dared hope he’d manage to get away so soon, or that he was as impatient to see me as I was to see him.
‘Hey, Skadi!’ I stepped out from behind the tree, smiling, and she jumped up, trying to lick my face as I bent down to stroke her. ‘Good girl.’
‘Skadi!’ a sharp voice called from the hut. The dog trotted back obediently and I looked up to see Imogen Glass standing in the doorway.
I felt a flash of fear, but I stood up straight and looked her in the eye, determined not to show I was afraid.
Don’t let that psycho scare you, babe, Mischa whispered.
Imogen walked towards me till she was standing a few feet away.
‘So, you’re the reason Jonas is such a diligent dog-walker these days,’ she said. ‘I should have guessed it would be a girl. He’s so predictable.’
‘What do you want?’ I spoke loudly, as if I was in a play, to stop my voice from shaking. My mind was racing. Should I run? Fight? She was on her own. She couldn’t force me to go with her.
‘Straight to the point,’ she said, smiling. ‘I like that. Why waste time? What I want is I want you gone. I know what’s been going on between you and Jonas and I won’t allow it. I’m giving you twenty-four hours to leave.’
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
‘Don’t lie to me,’ she snapped. ‘Just do as I’m telling you.’
I made myself look her in the eye. ‘Maybe I will. But not because you want me to.’
‘You don’t understand,’ she said, as though she was explaining something to a small child. ‘It’s not a suggestion, it’s an order. If you don’t leave, you’ll be arrested.’
‘Are you sure you want me to go?’ I said, trying to stop my voice shaking, ‘Because if I leave maybe Jonas will come with me.’
She smiled, all perfect teeth. ‘He won’t leave.’
‘Are you sure about that?’
She frowned. ‘Of course, I could arrest you right now but frankly I don’t want my son getting caught up in any of this. I just want you gone. I don’t care where, or how. I’ll make sure you don’t get stopped as long as you are gone within twenty-four hours, without Jonas.’
‘Maybe that’s up to Jonas,’ I said.
Imogen paused. ‘Clem,’ she said, as though we were friends having a chat, ‘what do you think would happen to your grandfather if Shaun wasn’t able to look after him? What will happen if Shaun is found to have been engaging in illegal activity of some kind, let’s say, and gets himself arrested? Or if something unfortunate should happen that means he has to leave the village? It’s amazing how quickly rumours spread in our small community, and everyone knows Shaun’s always been something of a troublemaker, never really one of us.’
‘Shaun’s worth a hundred of you,’ I said.
‘Sweet,’ she said. ‘But as I say, if something were to happen to Shaun, would poor Huw be able to look after himself? I doubt it. And with things how they are there’s no guarantee he’d be able to access the care he needs as his condition worsens. Unless of course he had someone powerful in the community to advocate for him, to ensure he gets the best possible care. Which is, I’m sure, what you would want for him.’
‘You’d actually do that?’ My voice was choked with anger. ‘You’d actually threaten my grandpa and use that against me to get what you want?’
‘There’s no need to get upset,’ Imogen said. ‘I’m not threatening anyone. I’m just saying, I can help Huw. Or not. So, do we understand one another?’
I looked at her, with her perfect hair and expensive clothes, her absolute conviction that she was right.
‘Oh, I understand you,’ I said. ‘Jonas does too. You can stop him from coming with me, but you can’t make him into someone he’s not.’
As soon as I’d said it I wanted to take the words back. I didn’t want to get Jonas into any more trouble than he was already in. And if he had to stay, wasn’t it better that Imogen thought he really was still on her side?
She walked towards me till we were face to face. She was taut with anger.
‘You don’t know my son,’ she said. ‘Not really. Not like I do.’
And she turned and walked off through the trees, Skadi trotting after her.
‘Go back to the hut and stay there,’ I said to Billie. ‘Don’t go outside, okay? I won’t be long.’
She looked at me, eyes wide.
‘It’s okay,’ I said. ‘Everything’s going to be okay.’
I ran through the trees, blinded by tears, not caring about the branches of the trees, the thorns that ripped at my clothes. I tripped and fell into brambles, got up, kept running.
Shaun looked up as I burst into the kitchen, alarm on his face.
‘Clem! What are you doing here? Didn’t you see the warning?’ He came closer. ‘What’s happened to you? Are you okay? You’re bleeding.’
I told him about Imogen’s visit, her threats and ultimatum, while he dabbed at my face and hands with cotton wool. ‘I don’t know how she knew,’ I said, trying to keep my voice steady.
Shaun’s face was grim. ‘There was trouble,’ he said. ‘Last night.’
‘What trouble?’
‘The meeting turned nasty. Imogen and her sidekicks were whipping everyone up, telling them they had to defend themselves and their families against outsiders taking what was theirs. Did they want their kids to starve? That sort of thing. I happen to know there’s more food than they’re letting on. The Army’s been delivering emergency supplies. But she just wants people scared so she can control them. And angry. Some people had gone to argue against her, disrupt the meeting. It all kicked off. There was shouting and fighting and then some of them were arrested and the police dispersed the meeting. People were meant to go home, but some of them went to the pub and at closing time they staggered up to the top of the village, chanting and shouting, and started yelling and chucking rocks at the holiday homes up there where some of the city folk have been staying. Next thing, two of the houses were on fire.’
‘Oh my God,’ I said. ‘Was anyone in the houses?’
Shaun nodded.
‘Are they okay?’
He shook his head. ‘No one knows. Several people were taken away in ambulances.’
I didn’t know what to say. I could hardly take in what he was telling me.
‘Anyway,’ he said. ‘That’s not all. It turns out, in all the shouting and yelling at the village hall, someone said to Imogen that if she was looking for people acting suspiciously, maybe she should start looking closer to home.’
I stared at Shaun. ‘Jonas?’
He nodded. ‘Someone had seen him out in the woods a few times. You never could keep a secret round here. Jonas wouldn’t tell her anything though. But my name came up too, as it does when there’s trouble. So she was round here earlier, demanding I tell her everything, making threats. I didn’t tell her anything but she already knew enough.’
‘She didn’t say anything to Grandpa?’ I couldn’t bear the thought of him being upset or scared.
‘No,’ he said. ‘She was all fake smiles to him. But once it was just us, she made a few veiled threats about what she could do if she chose to.’ Shaun shook his head in disgust.
‘She did the same to me.’
‘I’m sorry, Clem. I want to tell you she’s all talk and it all means nothing. But I know Imogen. She’ll do it all right. We have to get you out of here.’
I look at him. ‘The thing is, I’d already decided I was going to leave.’
He stared at me. ‘What do you mean? Why?’
‘I told Jonas last night. I’ve been thinking about it for a few days now. Even before Imogen, I knew it wasn’t safe to stay. I can’t keep putting Grandpa in danger. Or you, or Jonas.’
‘But where will you go?’
‘I’ve got a plan.’
I told him about my idea of going to Mum’s, how I’d found her address in the shoebox, how I knew it was the right thing to do. I told him about Jonas saying he wanted to come with me, but now Imogen had put a stop to that.
He was silent for a long time, thinking.
‘Are you sure? About Seren, I mean. She’s not… I don’t mean any offence but she’s not always been the most reliable sort.’
‘I know she hasn’t,’ I said. ‘But she is my mum. She’s not going to turn me away.’
‘What if she’s moved?’
‘She’d have let Grandpa know.’
Shaun looked doubtful and I felt a flash of anger.
‘Look, Shaun. I’ve decided. You can help me or not. But I’m going.’ I didn’t want to ask myself whether part of the reason this plan seemed so right was because finally, after all these years of Mum being invisible, I’d found her and I wasn’t going to miss this chance of seeing her.
‘It’s not like there aren’t problems in Scotland too, you know,’ he warned. ‘Things haven’t been easy for people up there either these last few years. And there’s so many arriving up there now, it’s not like they’re all welcoming refugees with open arms.’
‘I know that, Shaun,’ I said. ‘I’m not stupid. But it’s safe. Safer than here. And my mum’s there.’
‘Okay,’ he said at last. ‘I know people who’ll be able to get you across the border. And they’ll be able to help you out if… if there’s any problem with your mum.’
‘There won’t be.’
He looked at me, making up his mind.
‘Okay,’ he said finally. ‘I’ll make contact with them now. If you’re serious about this we need to do it now.’
It was real suddenly. Not an idea. Not a crazy plan. It was actually going to happen.
‘Okay,’ I said, trying not to let him see that I was scared. ‘Thanks.’
‘We’ll leave first thing tomorrow. I’ll take you north.’
‘What about Grandpa?’ I said.
‘Don’t worry. I’ll find someone to stay with him till I’m back.’ He looked at me. ‘You’d better say goodbye to him now.’
‘Now? Can’t I come back tomorrow?’
‘We can’t risk you coming to the house again, Clem. Not the way things are in the village now. If someone saw you…’
My eyes filled with tears and I brushed them away angrily. ‘You’ll talk to him about me, won’t you? Make sure he doesn’t forget me? Make sure he knows I’ll come back when it’s safe?’
Shaun put his arm round me. ‘I will,’ he said. ‘Every day. He won’t forget you. I promise.’
Grandpa was sitting with a blanket over his knees listening to the radio, Merlin at his side, half-smiling. As I walked towards him, I told myself it didn’t matter if he knew who I was today, in this moment. Merlin’s tail thumped feebly against the sofa as I drew close. Grandpa looked up and saw me.
‘Clem,’ he said, as though I was the answer to a question. I tried to reply but the words wouldn’t come.
Was Shaun right? Would Grandpa remember me when I’d gone? Would he look for me? Or would I become the child he told stories to, or the baby lying under the tree while Mum sang to me, or an unnamed ghost who flickered in and out of rooms and dreams? All of those, perhaps. But I suppose that’s what we are when we’re not with people, a collection of moments, real and imagined. Stories.
Ghosts.
I sat down next to him and took his hand. ‘I’ve got to go away tomorrow, Grandpa.’
‘Go away?’ Grandpa said. ‘You’ve only just arrived.’
I nodded. ‘I’m going to miss you so much.’
‘We’ll miss you too, cariad,’ he said. ‘But we’ll see you again soon. Where is it you’re going?’
‘To Scotland. Edinburgh, actually.’ I tried to sound excited, like it was a holiday. An adventure. I wondered if he remembered Mum was there. In Grandpa’s world, Mum might be at school or asleep in her cot or not have been born yet.
‘Edinburgh!’ he said, delighted. ‘How lovely! Where I met your granny. Where I proposed to her.’
‘I know.’ I smiled, trying to imagine him young and handsome, sweeping Granny off her feet. Then I remembered the ring. I still had it round my neck on the string.
‘I found Granny’s engagement ring,’ I told him, pulling it out from under my clothes. ‘In a box. I put it round my neck to keep it safe.’ I started to undo it to give to him.
‘No, you keep it,’ Grandpa said. ‘Maybe it’ll keep you safe.’
‘Thank you, Grandpa.’ I hugged him so he wouldn’t see my tears.
I saw the house as Grandpa saw it, glimpsing Granny through the kitchen window, Mum looking out of the window of the bedroom that had been hers, out to the forest and beyond it to the wide world. I’d be one of the ghosts in the house once I was gone, a presence in other rooms, glimpsed through windows. I found the thought comforting and true. A bit of me would always be here while Grandpa was. And even after that, perhaps, in the forest, the trees would remember me – would remember me in hundreds of years, when the rest of us were long gone.
That night, after we’d packed our things and Billie was asleep, I sat outside the hut by the remains of the fire and hugged my knees. The fire was nearly out now. I felt so lonely suddenly it took my breath away. The embers blurred. I wanted to see Jonas. I wanted to tell him I was sorry that I’d made life difficult for him and that I wished we’d had longer together. That I wished I’d told him how I felt about him. Why hadn’t I? Mischa would have. God, I missed Mischa. And I missed Dad too. I missed Grandpa, how he was before. I missed Claudia, even though she’d make me write a list or do a breathing exercise. She’d have made everything okay. I even missed Danny. The old Danny, before all this.
Tomorrow we would leave. I’d arranged to meet Shaun on a farm track on the road out of the village, the way we’d walked here all those months ago. It didn’t seem real. Going to see my mum. All these years I’ve imagined finding her, speaking to her, meeting her. Now it was going to happen and I didn’t know how I felt. Scared? Yes. Maybe more scared of that than of the dangers of the journey. Shaun would look after me and if he trusted the people who’d get me across the border, they’d look after me too. But I also felt something else. Curiosity? Yes. Excitement? I didn’t know. I closed my eyes.
The forest noises were all around me. Even now they soothed me, although I was bone weary and my body ached and I still couldn’t quite catch my breath, though I hadn’t told Shaun or Jonas. I was part of the forest. It felt impossible that I’d leave. Perhaps I’d start growing roots. In Grandpa’s myths and fairy tales, people were always turning into trees, or else trees turned out to be people in disguise. I liked the idea of being a tree, of having roots and leaves, of being so old that everything would seem small and fleeting and part of a cycle that you’d seen before and would see again.
I needed to sleep.
I stood up and threw the washing-up water on the smouldering remains of the fire so that it hissed and smoked. Inside, Billie was fast asleep on her back with her arms up on either side of her head like when she was a baby. She always looked younger when she was asleep. I lay down next to her.
‘Sleep tight, B.’
The sound of the wind in the trees surrounded me for the last time, lulling me to sleep.